What is a financial planning relationship and how can you as the client best show up for it?

When you hire a financial planner, what is it you’re really signing up for?

In part the answer to that question depends on what type of planner you’ve decided to hire. If they manage your assets, that will define the relationship a little differently than if you hire an advice-only planner. How they get paid may also define the terms of your relationship and how often you engage. As you decide on the type of financial services you’re looking for, I would encourage you to first consider what you’d like the relationship to look like because YOU get to decide what works best for you.  Then, you can use this information to help guide your interviewing process and select the planner that best matches your desired way of engaging. Not all planners will engage the same way, just as not all potential clients will seek the same type of engagement – and that is ok! There’s no one right way to do financial planning. Finding the planner that best fits you is what matters.

I am going to approach this article from the perspective of advice-only financial planning since that’s the type of planning I do at Find Your FI.  In all reality you could use this as a template for your relationship with any advisor. Where it differs significantly I’ll do my best to point that out.

First, a quick review of what advice-only planning is and isn’t. The premise behind advice-only planning is that you pay your financial planner directly for the advice they provide you, as agreed upon in a written financial planning agreement. And as the name suggests, there is no management or discretion of financial assets – you are paying for advice and only advice. This type of planner will not have access to your account in any way – they will not place trades or actively monitor performance. Some advice-only planners do offer ongoing service to help you implement your plan and guide you through learning how to open accounts, roll assets over to new accounts, and teach you how to rebalance your account if needed. Other advice-only planners like myself will incorporate mindset and accountability coaching into their ongoing offerings.

The services that advice-only planners offer can range from hourly to a longer-term engagement. There are some fundamental building blocks you can bring to the table in any relationship. These include the following:

  1. Clarity of purpose: What’s the question you’re trying to answer by engaging in the financial planning process
  2. Teamwork: Financial planning is a team sport. You’re the expert in your life and the planner you hire is the expert in personal finance. You’ll both need to bring important components to the playing field to get the best outcome possible.
  3. Stay engaged: Try your best to be fully present in the meetings. Limit distractions so that your attention is fully on the task at hand! This is a process designed to benefit you and pursuing that which matters most to you, so it’s worth your undivided attention in these moments! Ask questions, take notes – this process can reach its full potential when you choose to show up as best you can! 

Now, let’s review how you might best show up in each of these engagements:

Hourly: 

This one is pretty straightforward. You’re paying a planner by the hour to get a few questions answered. This arrangement is the most limited in scope with minimal if any longer-term relational considerations. However, knowing how to engage even in a limited amount of time can really help you get the most out of the interaction! 

The best use of your time, energy and attention in this are arrangement may look like this:

  1. Clarity: Be as clear with yourself as you can on the questions you have before you engage the planner. That includes getting clear on what you know and don’t know! Write your questions down; that process plus reflecting on them can help create clarity.  If you don’t feel super clear, be transparent about that! You can say something like “I have some questions on my 401(k) but I’m not exactly sure how to ask them”. Or, “I don’t fully understand my 401(k) but I’d like to learn more about it and how to best utilize it”.
  2. Teamwork: Provide the planner the information they ask for in as timely a manner as possible. They can only work with the information they have and they need your help to do it! Remember – planning is a team sport!
  3. Stay Engaged: When you show up for the meeting, be ready to take notes. You’re paying by the hour so make the most of the time you choose to pay for. 

This type of planning tends to be best for people who:

  1. Have specific questions in one or two areas. Example: How should I invest my 401k? Can I afford to buy a house?
  2. Aren’t yet in a position to afford more comprehensive planning but are ready to get started taking control of their finances
  3. Are DIYers. They can take the information provided by their planner and implement it independently.

 

One-Time Plan:

If you choose a one-time plan, the engagement will be of a limited nature. Beyond the set meeting structure established at the outset, there may not be a ton of space for additional interactions, keeping this relationship more limited in scope, though more in depth than hourly planning.

The best use of your time, energy and attention in this are arrangement may look like this:

  1. Clarity: This is true for all planning engagements! The more clear you can be with yourself on what you’re looking for from the financial planning process, the better.
  2. Teamwork: Provide the information your planner requests to the best of your ability. You can expect some type of “data gathering checklist” to help guide the collection of documents needed to build your plan. Giving them this info in a timely manner is tremendously helpful! If an item they requested doesn’t apply to you, just let them know! And if you’re having a tough time finding something, let them know that too! They’ll likely be more than happy to help you locate it. If there’s something you think is valuable for your planner to know, but you don’t see it on their checklist or it hasn’t yet come up in conversation, feel free to provide it. The more transparent you are with your planner, the better they can help you assess your situation and provide the guidance you’re hoping for. I know it can be uncomfortable to share such personal information with someone who is likely a perfect stranger. But assuming you’ve done your research about their qualifications and had a positive intro call – there’s a reason you hired them! And part of that reason likely has a lot to do with trust. 
  1. Stay Engaged: Be an active listener and take lots of notes! Most planners provide some sort of follow up note after a meeting so you’ll also have that information to reflect on after the call – but your own notes help keep you focused and engaged. And don’t forget to Ask questions! If you don’t understand something it’s ok to ask.

This type of planning tends to be best for people who:

  1. Have specific questions in MORE THAN one or two areas. Example: How should I invest my 401k and how much should I contribute each year? If I contribute more to my investments, can I afford to buy a house? How will those decisions impact my choices.
  2. Are able to afford a comprehensive plan and understand the value of learning how the various components of personal finance interact with one another across time.
  3. Are hybrid-DIYers. They want some help in learning about personal finance and can take the information provided by their planner and implement it independently.

Ongoing or longer term engagements:

Longer-term engagements provide the most space for a professional relationship to grow into a valuable and trusted partnership. These relationships are where it really makes sense to focus on how to best show up and make use of this resource! 

The best use of your time, energy and attention in this are arrangement may look like this:

  1. Clarity: Be open and honest with yourself and your planner about what you need. If you can’t be, pause and ask yourself why: you either picked a planner that isn’t the right fit for you, or you may need to do some self reflection around why it’s challenging to do so. You don’t need to share your deepest darkest secrets here, but without some mutual respect and trust you ultimately won’t walk away feeling satisfied with your plan or the experience.
  2. Teamwork: If you’re working with me that’s how we’ll practice financial planning. I want to co-create this plan with you in a way that honors your objectives. Working together with mutual respect, open lines of communication, clarity and grace will do wonders!
  3. Stay Engaged: Provide the information your planner requests in a timely manner. It helps them create the best plan for you! If you’re stuck and can’t find something – ask for help. If you need a little more time, say that too. Life happens and sometimes we need some extra time – that’s different than kicking the can down the road indefinitely though. If at a certain point you don’t provide your documents to the planner, it may be time to check in with yourself on whether or not this is the right time for you to engage in this process. 
  4. Slow Down. Here’s where I think the beauty of true financial planning starts to shine through. In an ongoing relationship you have the advantage of time and space on your side. Notice if it’s time to pause before a choice or purchase and check in with your planner. Your planner will be more familiar with your goals over time, and as such is in a unique position to coach you through various financial decisions. And remember – these decisions don’t just need to be about the stock market! In fact, most won’t be.

Done right, ongoing advice-only financial planning is like preventative medical care and not like emergency medicine. 

This type of planning tends to be best for people who:

  1. Understand that financial planning at its best is a dynamic process across the lifetime; a one-time plan can only take you so far.
  2. Are in a position to afford the ongoing fees
  3. Are hybrid-DIYers. They appreciate the educational and coaching aspects of an ongoing relationship and can also take the information provided by their planner and implement it independently.

If you’re thinking about a financial choice – or any choice that MAY have a financial component, reach out to this trusted advisor you’ve hired! That’s what they’re there for. Thinking of buying a house? A car? Maybe it’s even just some new furniture, a vacation, or any purchase that feels significant to you and your overall plan. Talk to your planner. A good planner will listen to you with deep empathy and respect. They will ask good questions. They’ll respect your autonomy. And they’ll give you their professional thoughts on whatever the thing is you brought to them. 

So before you make a financial decision that you think could significantly impact your plan … even when (and perhaps especially if) it doesn’t have anything to do with the stock market … drop your planner a note, give them a call, take a few minutes to run it past them.  I’m not suggesting you call your planner every time you buy a cup of coffee or buy new running shoes. That’s not a good use of anyone’s time! 

But choices that could hold significant mid- to long-term outcomes for your plan are worth a brief pause and check in with the person you’ve entrusted to be your sounding board and provide trusted advice. You always get the final say in what you do with your money ..  but if you’ve decided to enter into a paid agreement with a planner, use that relationship as it’s intended!

If that sounds like the type of relationship you’re looking for with a financial planner, be sure to ask them questions in the prospect call about their process. If it’s too limited in scope for you or you don’t feel comfortable sharing with them from the outset, it’s probably not a good fit. Keep looking until you find the fit that’s good enough for you!

What’s an accountability partner?

When you hire me as your financial planner, AND you choose the 12-month Find Your FI program to start, you are also hiring me to be your accountability partner. But, what’s that really mean? And why would you want an accountability partner? I think this is a term that deserves your attention, and a clear definition. It means different things to different people, and can vary across context, too.


In this article I will lay out my definition of accountability partner and how I implement it (and don’t implement it) during my 12-month financial planning process, as well as in any subsequent years we work together.  I will also touch on why people seek out this type of accountability. After reading this, I encourage you to consider what “accountability partner” means to you and if it’s something you want. If it’s closely aligned to how I integrate it into my planning process, we may be a great fit. If it’s not aligned with my process, chances are good my planning process isn’t quite what you’re looking for right now.


When expectations in a planning relationship (or any relationship for that matter) aren’t clear, a natural consequence tends to be confusion, disappointment and ultimately decreased motivation to stick with the thing you originally wanted to focus on. In a team setting you’ll see the manifestation of unclear expectations as lower moral and lower performance  and results. In a way you and I are a small team when we begin our work together! We have a shared mission (achieving your stated goals), roles to fulfill in pursuit of this mission (I’m focused on financial planning; you are the expert in your life and provide me with the necessary details to start constructing a plan) and a focus on collaboration to bring your vision to life.


The way I practice as an accountability partner is very straightforward – I hold you accountable to your stated goals. It sounds simple. Yet, it’s a journey and every journey comes with expected and unexpected challenges. If you’ve ever taken on any sort of challenge before, you’re familiar with this. Maybe it was a 5k or a marathon, improving your golf game or finding the right healthy eating plan … on paper it looks easy enough, but in practice isn’t it helpful to have some support and guidance to help you navigate the ups and downs? 


I help create the processes and structures to focus on getting your to-do list done. I do this by holding space to deeply listen, offering thoughtful yet challenging reflections to help you clarify your vision, and creating structures and feedback mechanisms to let us know how we’re doing.


Here’s what it looks like …


Listen & reflect

I do this at almost every meeting. It’s especially important in our first few meetings as we orient towards your “why”


Clarify

A natural extension of listening and reflecting, clarity comes with thought provoking questions, knowing you’re seen and heard, and having the space to focus on what it is you really want.


Identify 3 focus areas for the year

When there’s greater clarity, we can chunk that vision down into 3-focus areas for this year. We can’t do everything in one year, but we can do a lot in the way of building up a solid foundation!


Develop action items around these focus areas and organize them into a realistic timeline


Realistic goals attached to timelines – in written format – are incredibly powerful! 


Identify next smallest steps … 

Every action item has a next smallest step. We focus on the small steps to keep moving forward.


Set up a structure to check in on progress

Are you still taking the next smallest steps? What’s the next one? What needs to stay the same or change in order to keep going?


Allow space to coach you on these three processes: 

review where you are in making progress, or not; reflect on why that’s so; and prepare to shift  as necessary and continue on the journey.



Now that I’ve outlined how I intend to function as your accountability partner, it’s equally important to understand what I do not mean by “accountability partner”. The most important thing to clarify is that, while I’m a trained marriage and family therapist, I am not functioning as your therapist. I do use therapeutic techniques frequently in my work with clients, but I do not offer the space, time or licensing requirements a therapist offers. If your sense is that you need ample space and time to process thoughts and feelings holding you back from achieving your goals, you will not be fulfilled with my coaching-centric financial planning.  I designed the year-long program to offer just enough space and time to slow things down so that we could create a collaborative plan and check all the things off your list. Even with this slower pace (compared to most other financial planners) we will move at a deliberately steady yet thoughtful pace, in a forward direction, with an end-state in mind. You will find this more fulfilling if you’re at a certain level of readiness to face your finances and engage in this collaborative process.


You may notice I’ve excluded the one-time Ignite plan in this definition. With a short-term, limited engagement like a one-time plan, the process was not designed to include the role of an accountability partner. People who choose the one-time plan are usually looking for a 2nd set of eyes on a financial strategy they’ve set up for themselves and don’t desire the accountability piece.


Why would you want an accountability partner, as it’s described here? 


If you’re feeling late to FI chances are good you feel like you have a lot to catch up on. That can be overwhelming – maybe it feels like your head is spinning (or it’s stuck in the sand!!). Having an accountability partner in your corner can help alleviate some of the pressure you might be feeling to figure it all out and do it all NOW. Or you may want to finally rid yourself of the pain of avoidance. You need a process and some structure to slow things down just enough, in the right ways, and to increase momentum just enough, in the right direction, in just the right areas. It’s a balancing out of energies, focus and resources. The accountability process helps with just that – you don’t have to do it alone.


What does avoiding distress cost you? 

What does avoiding distress cost you? 


When was the last time you heard anyone say it was ok to not feel ok?


Have you ever considered this … are you comfortable with being uncomfortable? 


If you are routinely uncomfortable with any sort of distress it can hinder your ability to manage day to day stressors that need our attention in order to lead healthy lives. Therapists refer to this as distress intolerance, and it’s a big reason why many people seek out the assistance of a therapist. They’re seeking relief from pain whether that pain is physical, emotional, spiritual, or mental. In today’s note I’ll try and help you link the impact of distress intolerance on your overall financial well-being. 


Are you noticing discomfort around money?


Distress intolerance will often manifest itself in deeply ingrained patterns of avoidant behavior. Avoiding looking at your bank account or contributing to your retirement account? It’s possible that when you consider doing these things you feel enough discomfort that tolerating it seems impossible and so instead, you avoid the thing. That discomfort is coming from an emotion you’re having, likely rooted in a past experience and/or belief that is holding on tightly to who you are today. People who struggle with distress intolerance and exhibit avoidant behavior often struggle with emotions in general.


Does that resonate with you? In what ways are you avoiding a financial topic or topics?


Avoidance comes with a cost. 


Are you open to exploring that cost? 


First, notice what you are avoiding. And then, give yourself a pat on the back for doing so. It’s an important first step, and  it isn’t always easy to do. Here are some questions to ponder – all are examples of avoidant behavior I’ve come across in my practice:


Do you know where your money goes every month?


Are you able to tell yourself no? 


Do you continue to max out your retirement account even though you don’t have the cash flow to do so (and now you’re dipping into your emergency fund to cover monthly expenses)? 


Are you avoiding investing because you were told it’s akin to gambling? 


Do you invest but don’t pay attention to any other area of your financial life? 


You know you need help navigating the personal financial landscape, but finding a trusted professional feels overwhelming. So you ignore all of it.


Do you frequently find yourself thinking “I’ll deal with it later”? Yet later never seems to come.


To notice a thing is a powerful first step in moving towards change. Once avoidance is noticed, can you then begin to notice how you use it? Is there a meaning behind it? At one point it was likely an adaptive behavior. It served a function to help you survive, to help you make it through a situation. That was ok then. It’s just likely not ok now. The inability to tolerate distress can perpetuate the cycle of avoidance … ultimately it makes that which you’re avoiding worse.


What’s the good that can happen if you practice getting comfortable with being uncomfortable?


Humans are hardwired to experience a breadth and depth of emotions. When we are open to experiencing a wider spectrum of emotions, we open ourselves to hearing the messages such emotions are trying to deliver to us. These messages are information. They are indicators. Take anxiety as an example: anxiety is like an alarm system, trying desperately to alert you to potential danger – and in our modern world that can often mean you are too busy, disconnected or lonely, and therefore deeply tired. Anxiety is real as is our response to it. You don’t just wish it away, much like you wouldn’t ignore a fire alarm in your home. Pay attention to it. What’s it trying to alert you to? People who struggle with tolerating these distressful feelings often can’t pay attention to the message because it feels scary. That’s real. I get it. Yet learning to turn towards and lean in can give you a fighting chance to slow down and listen.


What is it this information is trying to tell you? 


Information is feedback and feedback can help us navigate life in a way that we adapt and pivot in more helpful ways. A system without any feedback is not a helpful or growth-oriented ecosystem. Let’s stick with anxiety for a second. Every time you consider opening your budget and your bank account to see how much you have and make a plan for the next few weeks, you shut down. You just can’t do it. You tell yourself that you’ll do it tomorrow. You still go buy things, many of which are essentials (groceries, gas) but there’s a nagging feeling that something isn’t right. That something is that while you make good money, you have no idea where your money is going, and credit cards have begun to fill the cash flow gap. But because it’s too uncomfortable for you to lean into that discomfort you haven’t been able to create the space to consider possible solutions. Let me be clear – this is not a character judgment. It won’t fix itself overnight. It’s a practice to lean into the discomfort and notice what you learn when you don’t turn away or distract. Ignoring the fire alarm doesn’t put the fire out.



How do I practice leaning into discomfort?


You can learn to cultivate resilience in order to increase your capacity to be uncomfortable. Through the practices of mindfulness you can learn that emotions dissipate – they do not last forever. While some may linger longer than others (Brene Brown’s book, Atlas of the Heart, is a lovely read and addresses some of this) they will not stay forever. To experience the dissipation of a painful emotion is to give hope that it is in fact true that we can tolerate what may feel intolerable in any one moment.


It’s also important to be able to discern the difference between stress and distress. We all experience positive and negative stressors – they serve many important purposes like propelling us towards safety and out of danger, or connecting us to good, loving relationships. It’s when stressors stick around too long or are not dealt with that they morph into distress. Learning to be comfortable with the uncomfortable helps us turn towards the stressors of life so that they do not become unhealthy versions of distress. 


It’s also true that becoming accustomed to tolerating distress as a long-term coping strategy is not helpful. While distress may need to be tolerated long enough to face it and work with it, simply staying in a state of toleration is not good for you. Learning resilience to navigate stress is important. Sinking into a habitual pattern of tolerating distress is harmful. Toleration alone isn’t enough to foster resilience. At some point we have to turn towards the stressor, instead of avoiding it. You may be able to do this alone, with a friend or with the support of a therapist if you’re really struggling.


We’ve been sold on feeling better at all costs … on eliminating distressful emotions and doing that which makes us happy. That’s just not realistic. As humans we will experience a wide range of emotions because, if we are living our lives fully, we will encounter people and experiences that may prompt one or many of our emotions. 


It’s not the emotions that are problematic.


As with most things, it’s our relationship with those emotions that’s problematic. 


Yet our culture has promoted and normalized the avoidance of all things painful. 


I’m not suggesting we seek out pain. 


That would be ridiculous. 


But in the normal course of a human life we will be sad, disappointed, angry, scared, exhausted, physically pained. You might have experienced days where you felt all of that! I have.


What will we do with those emotions when they knock at our door? 


What’s the cost of avoiding these emotions? 


More stress. It creates a state of arousal in our bodies that is on high alert … hyperarousal. This is not good for us physically or mentally – it perpetuates the stress response when engaged frequently and continuously. It’s also hard to connect with others because we’ve limited our experience with negative emotions in our own selves. As such we have no map or template for how to tolerate distress in others or how to sit with them to ultimately connect in warm and caring relationships. We are widening the gaps between our comfort zones because these zones are becoming smaller and smaller. We miss out on information that could help us navigate our inner and outer worlds more effectively. We bury emotions – but they don’t disappear. They are there, laying in wait, and it’s just a matter of time before they are activated, showing up bigger and more intense than they initially were.


What’s the cost of avoiding your financial well-being?


A diminished savings or investment rate? This can lead to delayed financial independence or hardship when you need to cover the cost of an emergency.


Out of control debt that ends up controlling your career choices? Do you now have to take or stay in a job you hate in order to pay the bills? 


Not being able to care for those you love because you can’t afford to take time off?


Feeling stuck in a job you not only hate, but is impacting your health?


Living paycheck to paycheck – this often puts you in a state of continual hypervigilance and hyperarousal. Have you learned to tolerate this form of distress in an unhealthy way? If so, pause. Consider alternatives.


It is hard to lean into distress and to feel what everyone tells you not to feel. Our society really struggles with pain and discomfort. But if you can learn to lean into it, listen and grow you will be ok.



The power of the pause. 


Can we sit with our negative emotions just long enough to gather the data we need? All emotions are information … there is a message there if we can slow down enough to hear it. This information is important.


When you lean into experiencing the uncomfortable can you notice where you feel it in your body? What thoughts come up for you. What images in your mind? “If I allow myself to feel this way then (this bad thing will happen).” How do we test for that? What’s an experiment you can run? Can we make this distress a helpful stressor … to be aware of the information it’s offering and to make different choices as a result. Be curious. Engage your learning mind. Connect with your desire for different outcomes. Identify the gap between where you are and where you want to be.


Why now? What brought you to this blog post now?


If you’re already noticing avoidant behavior AND feel ready to lean into your finances with the supportive guidance of a professional trained in finance and therapy, my approach to financial planning will feel refreshing to you. 


However, if your inability to sit with the distress around your money is so big right now that you can’t even imagine beginning to work on finances, the assistance of a therapist may be the right choice for you at this moment. If you feel like regulating your emotions and sitting with distress is really challenging, consider looking for a therapist who practices Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). 


While I do make space for learning to tolerate that which previously seemed intolerable, it’s true that many people need even more space. More time. That’s the beauty of therapy – it will meet you where you are. As a financial planner I cannot offer as much space and time as a stand-alone therapist can. But I can certainly help you connect with one! And I will be here as a bridge when you’re ready to look deeper into the numbers and how to make them work for your vision of FI.


My Sentimental Financial Decision

My Jeep ...

I recently made a sentimental financial decision. 

 

You may be surprised to learn about this decision given my chosen career field.

 

Sharing it with you matters because I want to illustrate not only how I think financial planning should work, but how I practice it and live it as a regular person. I suspect it will resonate with at least one person reading this. Or maybe just give you a good laugh 🙂

 

I’ve wanted a Jeep Wrangler all of my life. Seriously – I have a memory of walking down the street with my friends when I was no more than 14, admiring any Wrangler that drove by. My first memory is of a yellow one – I was probably 6 years old when I saw it at my parent’s friends’ house. I thought the lady that drove it was the coolest person in the world. I picked a different color, but yellow holds a special place in my heart.

 

I just knew I’d get one someday.

 

However, when it came time to buy my first car my junior year at the Air Force Academy, I decided to be responsible and buy a Honda Civic. It was a nice little car and fit all of the responsible check list items: not too expensive, reliable, and safe (the exact criteria I used when selecting a used car for my daughter). But I never really loved it. It felt boring. It was fine. Whatever. It got me from point A to point B. And I must be a super responsible and very intelligent person now that I made this choice. Yay for me – I won life! And I was only 21!!

 

I am NOT a car person. I don’t know the first thing about cars but I did know without a doubt that I did not belong in a boring Honda Civic – I belonged in a very adventurous Jeep. Still … no logic to any of this, just pure feeling.

So in 2000 I found myself thinking it was time to trade in the Honda for a Jeep. Who was going to stop me?  I was now a much wiser 25 years old and a 2nd Lieutenant in the United States Air Force living a very fun life in Florida. So, I did. I bought Ms. Jeep. 


Yes, I name my cars. And my plants. Ms. Jeep has driven cross country quite a few times (once with a 115 lb dog and two cats), lived with my cousin for awhile, camped out in my mom’s garage for a few years, and had some hysterical adventures along the way (one morning as I got into Ms. Jeep to head into work I found a friend of mine sleeping in the back seat).

 

Now Ms. Jeep is 25 years old, and I’m a little older too. 

 

I figured it was time to have her frame inspected and make sure it wasn’t going to crumble under me. The first look at it seemed promising – a few repairs and she’d be good to go. The second look brought out a response in me I did NOT expect. No, he said – you’re better off buying yourself a used one that’s not as old but looks just the same and pretend it’s the same one. 

 

While I did not like what I was hearing I appreciated Matt’s straightforward and low-on-bullshit response. So I listened to him. Repairing her would be a long road and an expensive one. Was I ready to do that? 

 

But what would I do with Ms. Jeep? 

 

Sell it, he suggested … to someone who wanted a project. 

 

Sleep on it, he said. 

 

He wasn’t telling me I couldn’t fix her, just that I’d need to be prepared for a large bill as I began this project. A journey, really. 

 

As this all sank in I made a noise that my 16-year old daughter recognized. “Oh no,” she said “that’s an angry mama noise”. “No,” I said, “this is sad mama”. And the tears started flowing. Alot. I am more of a crier than a car person but until that moment I had no idea that cars could make me cry. Add that to the list. I was now embarrassed and sad.

 

Matt brought me some toilet paper, and he and Eric sat with me in silence just letting me talk and cry. Who knew car guys could be the best type of therapist ever? No judgment. Not a lot of words. Just space to feel something they must have seen and felt before. They got it. Cars can have sentimental value.

 

They also demonstrated really good financial planning skills. They wanted me to know the cost. They gave me alternatives. They gave me a solid and clear recommendation (sell her). But they said they’d help if I decided to fix her (respect for my autonomy and a willingness to collaborate). They could connect me with some other trusted advisors to fix her up. Then they told me to sleep on it and not make a rash decision. 

 

I drove home, still crying, with my daughter in the passenger seat trying to decide if I’d lost my mind or if this was how all middle-aged women felt about their cars??

 

I spent most of that day coming to terms with the fact that this Jeep was a part of my identity. I didn’t think that sort of thing happened to me. She represented different parts of myself and phases of life that I value.  There’s nothing rational or logical about that. It is a very human response. It doesn’t make it bad or good. It …. just …. is.

 

I talked with a friend who is also a Jeep person. He got it. He encouraged me to keep it. But he also knew it would make sense to sell it. He felt my emotions and he didn’t dismiss me.

 

The logical choice would have been to sell her and move on. Buy a new one. Or  not. Do I really need two cars?  I don’t. Rely on the spreadsheets, stop crying, and feel “wise” for making the “best” decision. I really thought my financial planner self might do this. 

 

I was so close.

 

And then, as I continued to replay the words of “sell it to someone else for a project” I realized I wanted her to be MY project. I had wanted this all along. The day I bought her I told myself I’d keep her forever and teach my hypothetical future kids how to drive stick shift on it (I didn’t even want kids!). Strange goals but they felt weirdly important to me at the time. 

 

I love driving that Jeep. It makes me happy. Especially in the summer when I keep the top down and drive down a country road. My son likes to enter and exit by climbing in the side, and not using the door.  Driving a stick shift is so much more satisfying than a manual.  “When are you going to teach me how to drive Ms. Jeep, mama,” my daughter frequently asks. She’s excited. Listening to my kids ask me to pause the song on the radio or ask how to roll up the window – it’s all so delightful!  And then there’s the sound of her engine when you start it. My son will tell me to turn down the radio just so he can savor that engine sound. I could go on and on (but not about the ducks – I don’t get that. There are no ducks on my jeep, thank you).

 

As I sat with these thoughts and emotions over the next week I began to feel a strange sense of calm. I could do this. I didn’t need to do it fast or all at once. And I didn’t need to do it by taking out any loans or depleting accounts I specifically earmarked for other, more important, goals.  I would come up with a plan and a budget and I’d fix the important things first, one at a time. I would cash flow it. I would make her my project.

 

A few weeks later I was back in that same shop with my Tacoma getting an estimate for a rust protection coating. I told them I’d decided to keep the Jeep. Matt pointed to my business card on the wall. I nodded. He asked what I would tell my clients if they were in my shoes. I told him I’d have a conversation with them. I’d listen. I’d ask why the thing mattered to them – where had the tears come from? I would listen some more. I’d ask thoughtful questions. I’d explore the cost of both options. I’d help them brainstorm solutions that maybe they hadn’t yet thought of. Then I’d tell them to sleep on it and schedule some time to revisit it a little later. Rarely do these decisions need immediate attention. It’s good to breathe, slow down, and look at the next smallest step.

 

Please don’t misunderstand me. Choosing to sell Ms. Jeep would have been a good choice, too. I am not a fan of YOLO in its extreme sense. And I don’t advocate for that philosophy as a primary decision-making matrix. That would be bullshit.

 

I think safe and reliable cars are an excellent choice. So are fun sexy sports cars if that’s your thing. Or big trucks. Or Jeeps 🙂 I’m not advocating for one brand of car over another. I did not NEED a Jeep. I WANTED one. Whether or not that choice was a good one is irrelevant to this particular version of my story (but one I can tell in another post). 

 

As a financial planner I know there are choices people make that can and will break a long-term plan. I’m not in favor of leading with sentiment even if cars or kittens make me cry. But I am in favor of paying attention to that sentiment and helping someone, even myself, walk through it as a part of the decision making process. 

 

Emotions don’t need to be sidelined. 

 

They can be seen, acknowledged, heard, felt, accepted and embraced as further information that might help lead to a decision that the client can feel good about.

 

The people I serve are first and foremost people. That means they’ll have some feelings about things and money that won’t fit into a spreadsheet. As their planner, my hope is that they can talk to me about these decisions knowing that shame and guilt need not stay in the room very long. While I recognize people hire  me to help with numbers, they also choose me over other planners because I know how to make space for the emotions and I’m not afraid to integrate them into the planning process. Sometimes that means encouraging them to do deeper work with a therapist before we can continue. Sometimes that means just holding some space while they talk through an issue with tears or frustration or confusion. It says it right on my website – I’m high on empathy and low on bullshit. In this story one version of bullshit would have been to ignore the emotion and forgo exploring alternate solutions.

 

So if you’ve ever felt embarrassed, ashamed or just plain uncertain about working with a planner because you’re afraid they won’t hear you, see you, listen to you or care about your Jeep, maybe give it a second thought. A team of trusted advisors in your life can be so very helpful. I’ve built a great team for myself to include my own financial planner and that now includes some super smart car people to help me on this adventure. 

You can do the same.

Awareness is not anxiety

Our culture seems to confuse awareness with anxiety. 


That somehow, if we become finely tuned into something, that we will worry endlessly. 


I’m thinking specifically of budgeting. It has become the norm lately to encourage a certain lack of awareness around spending so that you don’t have to worry. So that you can “feel better”. 


The hard truth? That’s what therapists call avoidant behavior. And, in general, avoidance is not healthy. Sure – in true survival situations it may be adaptive to avoid in the moment. But most of us are not in life-or-death situations when we look at our spending patterns. 


Though our brain may disagree, there is no lion hiding in the bushes ready to pounce.


You are ok. 


To avoid something that feels unpleasant but that must be attended to does not create lasting peace, wellness or financial stability. It gives you a quick hit of dopamine the moment you avoid the thing – it is a short-term tactic, but it is not a long-term strategy.


To be conscious of something, to be aware of it, is not synonymous with worry. At least not long-term, never ending worry.


Sure, the first time you pay attention to how you spend your money (or your time, energy or attention  for that matter) you may feel an initial rise of anxiety. That’s normal. And, it will pass. 


Awareness allows us to see things clearly as they are so that we can make wise decisions and move forward in a healthy way.


If you find yourself normalizing the behavior to ignore your spending because it feels good or you deserve it … try again. Try differently. Try softer. Know that facing your fears head on is actually good for you. Before you can have true intentionality with your money you must first have awareness. 


If it’s scary enough that you feel you need extra support, then by all means connect with a trusted therapist to walk you through it. That’s ok. It’s always ok to seek the support you need!


What’s not ok is habitual avoidance – it will catch up with you eventually.  


You deserve better! AND – YOU CAN DO IT. I believe in you. I believe in your inherent ability to make wise choices and face the hard things. You can do hard things.


If the support of a coaching-centric financial planner would also be helpful, I’m here. My 12-month program would be ideal for you since it carves out time and space to work through the hard stuff and distill out the bullshit that’s getting in your way so that you can implement the financial plan we design together.




Be Your Own Best Advocate

Be Your Own Best Advocate


A lot of people are intimated by personal finance. And that sense of intimidation quickly turns into guilt and shame. Next? Usually nothing. Most people stop there. The thought of asking for help or getting started is often either overwhelming or just gets categorized as not important. As a planner and coach, I witness this every day in clients and prospects. But I also witness great transformation and the blossoming of hope and trust in one’s own ability to direct their life. To me, that is powerful. To recognize that you don’t know something yet, and then to move bravely forward to discover, matters deeply.

There may be a lot you don’t know yet and that’s ok. The best place to start is by identifying your values, learning the very basics of personal finance, and building a solid foundation by stopping the debt cycle, building savings, and learning the power of a budget in achieving your dreams.

It’s amazing how those basic components will give you the confidence you need to take the next steps in building wealth. But in your rush to win with money, please don’t get ahead of yourself. Incremental steps matter, as do the order in which you tackle them. Would you begin to decorate the interior of your home before construction is finished?

For example, pouring a majority of your resources into investments or buying an insurance product before you have a solid financial foundation may not set you up for the success you think it will. Investments alone won’t generate true wealth. A product is not a plan. Understanding the stock market – even just investing in it – isn’t synonymous with understanding your relationship with money, how you behave with it, or even how you communicate about it with your family. It’s our mindset and our behaviors that will ultimately lead us to the type of wealth that allows us to experience our values-driven dreams day in and day out.

Know yourself first. Know where it is you want to go – at least a clear enough picture to get started. Then you’re ready to be your own best advocate as you move forward and engage with a set of trusted advisors across disciplines to help you build the life of your dreams.


What being a mom has taught me about Financial Independence

Being a mom helped me find my FI

Happy Mother’s Day to all you mom’s out there. I hope it was a great day for you!

 

Being a mom is my favorite thing. EVER!

 

I’ve grown in ways I never could have imagined. 

 

Ways I would not have chosen on my own. 

 

Because these ways were uncomfortable …

 

forced me to draw and redraw boundaries 

 

to say yes when I wanted to say no

 

and no when I wanted to say yes.

 

I have to make choices as a mom. Making informed choices means I know my boundaries.

 

Creating healthy boundaries fosters …

 

healthy individuals (for parent and child).

 

healthy relationships.

 

clarity.

 

Being a mom isn’t always easy. I’ve cried, been frustrated, yelled … cried some more.

 

But mostly, my heart is overflowing with love and gratitude for the two little humans in my life.

 

Being a mom has taught me that, 

 

of the main sources of capital I have available to spend … 

 

My TEAM …

 

Time

 

Energy

 

Attention

 

Money

 

(all credit to the amazing Carl Richards for this conceptualization of capital)

 

It’s the TEA in TEAM that my kids value most. 

 

Having TEA with my kids …

 

Spending my time

 my energy

my attention …

 

On them.

 

On my relationship with them …

 

It has paid more dividends than those sitting in my investment account.

 

Focusing on TEA provides clarity on how to use the fourth source of capital – money.

 

Choosing to spend more on TEA with my kids requires the ability to maintain boundaries and clearly see what jobs money can do and what jobs it can’t do.

 

Don’t give money a job it can’t do.

 

Money matters. I am blessed to have been able to always cover their basic needs. And more.

 

Beyond those needs that money so necessarily fulfills ….. TEA nourishes deeply and soulfully.

 

I have an intentional spending plan for my TEAM …

 

A budget 

 

(A budget is nothing more than a set of boundaries drawn with clear priorities) 

 

A calendar 

 

A vision board

 

Dreaming sessions with my kids.

 

These are tools that keep us clear and intentional with how we spend our resources.

 

Together, these intentional spending plans for TEAM are creating true FI for us. 

 

The one informs the other. 

 

I want to emphasize …

 

As I continue to lean into TEA time with my kids, I have more clarity on how much money I need to support our most heart felt dreams. 

 

That clarity gives me peace of mind to design a work schedule that supports that enough-ness … nothing more, nothing less. 

 

I’m not giving money a job it can’t do. I’m using it as a tool … the right tool, for the right job. 

 

This mindset frees me ….

 

To see how a cup of TEA nourishes me more than money-beyond-enough ever could

 

from a work schedule that drains my cup, 

 

from a belief that more money will bring more peace, security, joy … (fill in the blank).

 

Becoming a mom taught me how much I value spending TEA to foster deep relationships

 

This cup of TEA brought me clarity on where money fits into my life

 

And these lessons have laid the foundation for me to design and find my own FI.


While I am often “late” to the game of getting things “right” with my kids I give it my best every day. The same is true for FI. You may feel “late” but you can’t be late to the present moment. Start in this moment.